Been just kind of sitting on the fact that I am done shooting everything for Bam! Blam! Your FACE! Letting that seep in. I think I am a little scared to jump in and start making it happen. Maybe I'm a little scared my efforts won't live up to my expectations? Maybe I am scared to move beyond this project? Maybe I am afraid to reach my own apotheosis as an artist? Perhaps all of these. And more!

In a way I have gotten sick of the hustle. You gotta love the hustle. I hate it. It's boring and dumb. I'm no gerbil on a wheel in a cage. To me the hustle is just an empty litany of activity spinning wheels rather than lubricating them for creative purposes. I'm a dreamer and a tinkerer. I need to daydream, ruminate, write, process, shape and reform. I am sick of and too old for organizing screenings nobody comes to. I need to channel my energy for the right things, not burn it on tomfoolery that's getting me nowhere. But I just might be in a bit of a negative mind right now.

Ultimately I wish I was strong enough to just put out all my work for free online. I wish I had that courage. Everything, free for all. Just slap it all up on youtube for anyone to see. I still think that is the truest and most honest way. Instead, I am still tied to the hangup of keeping things mysterious and hidden to tempt some sort of a public into my cinema den. I am stuck on the hangup that if I just put everything online, I'd be giving up in a way rather than doing something positive and pure by making the great things I make literally absolutely accessible to the public if they want it. Maybe I am afraid of nobody wanting it? Perhaps! Perhaps!